Rosalia

My favorite person in Chile is leaving.

Rosalia, the "nana" who works in my house, is returning home to Lima, Peru this Friday.  She has been living in Chile illegally for the past four months.  Throughout the past two weeks, she has gone through an extensive process trying to apply to work here legally.  She visited office after office, tirelessly filled out paperwork, and paid a huge fine for being here illegally ($100 US dollars...a huge sum for her).  

She was approaching the final steps in becoming legal.  All she needed to do was make an appointment with the government office of immigration within five days of receiving this one document.  The only time she was allowed to call the office to make the appointment was Monday through Friday, from 1 PM until 2 PM.  Just one wretched hour.  It was difficult for her to call because she had to prepare the family's lunch during this time.  And, to make matters worse, the line was always busy.  The past week, I tried to help her call.  I called over and over again.  373412.  I have the number memorized I called it so much.  But every time I tried, it 

was busy.

Because she wasn't able to make an appointment within five days (which wasn't her fault), she has to return home, and she will never be able to return to Chile again.

I am heartbroken.  Rosalia has been my saving grace in Chile.  I truly feel like God put her in my life for a reason.  She was my strength, my joy, and at times my only real friend.  The richest part of my Chilean experience is leaving me.  My little Peruvian diamond is going home.

In other news, my illness escalated yesterday.  I won't go into details, but I experienced "stomach issues" that I had never before experienced in my life.  I ended up going to a clinic today to get some tests done.  Hopefully by tomorrow I'll know what's wrong with me.  As for now, I'm under a microscope with my family.  Every person is carefully monitoring everything that I eat.  "Only soup and crackers, Kristen."  "Make sure you don't drink water from the tap." "Remember to not eat any milk or cheese products."  "Don't eat any raw vegetables.  Everything must be cooked!"  It's very nice that everyone wants to take care of me, but I feel like I'm being treated like I'm five.  Every time I walked into the kitchen today, every move I made was tracked.   But don't worry, I know how to take care of myself thank you very much.

I hope to return to school tomorrow, but I heard something today in mumbled high-speed Chilean Spanish that alluded to me having to return to the clinic tomorrow for more tests?  I'm not sure.

**BREAKING NEWS**

While I was writing this post, Rosalia came into my room and told me that the other nana, Esperanza, quit!  She told my host mom that she is no longer working for her, and her last day is Friday.  For the record, there have been a total of five different nanas that have worked here in a three month span.  Just a symptom of this dysfunctional household.

I just exchanged email addresses and phone numbers with Rosalia so we can stay in contact when she leaves.  It doesn't even feel real that my best friend is leaving me.  But it's good for her.  She hasn't seen her husband and two children for four months.  Although they desperately need her to work here to make money for their family, I pray that they can find other ways to get by with her in Peru.  I'll miss her.  Her smile.  Her helpful words of encouragement.  Our late night talks about God and the bible, and life, and family, and marriage.  Our exercise at 6:30 AM, walking on the beach...exercise that eventually turns into a gossip session.  I'll miss her singing along with the radio in the kitchen.  Singing so loudly and just loving the life God gave her in that moment.  So faithful and loving.  I'll never forget her.  She was my guardian angel.  My dear, sweet Rosalia.

La enferma

I am sick (again) in Chile.  I think this is this fourth or fifth time in three months that I've been sick.  I've lost count.  I had a classic cold the first week I was here, followed by a sinus infection that lasted two weeks, then some nice stomach issues for two weeks after I returned home from Peru, another cold, and now the flu.  Yes! 

This most recent illness struck last Wednesday morning.  I woke up at 6 AM, feeling like I had been repeatedly run over by a truck in my sleep.  Body aches, fever, head ache.  It was lovely.  I somehow managed to make it to school.  After my classes ended, I crawled in my bed and didn't leave for the next 30 hours.  It was a dark period in my time here in Chile, and I don't like to talk about it.  All I remember that happened was that I would have an incredibly high fever, take some tylenol-like medicine, eventually break my fever, and sleep for a few hours until the fever returned.  This joyous cycle was on repeat until Friday afternoon, when I finally started to feel normal again.  I managed to leave my room, shower, and eat lunch.  And then, right when I thought I was healthy again, the virus in my system decided it wasn't finished with me yet.  And so commenced my most recent "stomach issues."  It's so bad that Cata jokes that maybe I should just borrow one of Juanito's diapers.  (Pardon me for being so straightforward).  

That's where I'm at now.  I'm still sick and in bed.  I've been watching a lot of TV and listening to a lot of music (I'd rather be outside enjoying the beaches of Iquique...).  And now, I'm at the point where I don't even need any entertainment or music.  I've turned off my TV and muted my iTunes, and I'm simply listening to the beautiful gurgles of my stomach.  

I forgot to say that while I was sick a few days ago, I was seriously considering coming home early.  I researched how much it would be to change my plane ticket, and I even contacted the headquarters of my program in Santiago letting them know that I was thinking about leaving.  I was tentatively planning to return home on November 1st.  But, I decided to hang in.  I've made it three months...and there's only 5 weeks more.  I know I don't want to force myself to be here if I'm not happy (nor healthy), but I feel like I'd regret leaving early.  I guess I'm in it until the end.

Looking forward to the future, I'm going to Santiago next week (4th-7th) for the national debate competition with my debate team.  I'm super excited about that!  I love my students, and it'll be a good break from Iquique.  Side note--Iquique can be very, very isolating.  It sometimes feels like I'm imprisoned here.  There's the vast ocean on one side, and tall sand hills on the other.  Very claustrophobic.  Santiago will be a good break. 

Alright...that's all the typing my body can handle for now.  I hope to update again soon!

Hold Steady

I had one of the most difficult weeks of my life.  I had an explosive Chilean showdown with my family on Monday afternoon, followed by an evening of tears and a pounding headache.  I then spent the next two days trying to figure out whether or not I should switch host families or just come home early.  I had never been so emotionally disturbed.  I was gloomy, disappointed, fuming, miserable, frustrated, and all other similar adjectives.

I want to describe what happened in my blog, but I'm afraid that it might be ready by certain people in Chile, and that it would exacerbate the already uncomfortable and awkward situation.  I'll just have to revert back to the traditional pen and paper to journal about this.  If you're interested in the details...skype me...or email me, and I'll fill you in...

What I can do in my blog is talk about my decision.  After everything that's happened, I've decided to stay in Chile and stay with this family.  Although everything isn't peachy-keen now, I'm not coming home.  I do fill, though, that there's still a gaping wound, and that we've just covered it up with a band-aid that will soon fall off.  Or, as popularly said, we've merely swept it all under the rug.  The real source of my problems with my host family hasn't been resolved...but things are okay for now.

But I still doubt my decision.  I'm like a pendulum...swaying...indecisive...

Today before my freshman girls' class, I sat down at my computer, opened up a blank Word document, and wrote: "Pros and Cons of Staying in Chile" and "Pros and Cons of Going Home."  Since I am a list-making, Rory Gilmore-like freak, I started to write the classic Kristen Pros and Cons lis.  But, before I could get too far, the bell rang signaling the start of my day.  I simply closed the document, pushed aside my emotional turmoil, put a smile on my face, and started teaching my lesson.

My lesson this morning was about music, and I started the class by sharing some of my favorite English music.  The first son I put on for the girls was called "Lucky" by Jason Mraz and Colby Caillat.  This was not the best song for me to listen to this morning.  The chorus says, "Lucky I'm in love with my best friend, Lucky to have been where I have been, Lucky to be coming home again."  And then earlier in the song it says, "Boy I hear you in my dreams, I feel you whisper across the sea, Keep you with me in my heart, you make it easier when life gets hard."  It was very difficult to not be affected by the lyrics when I heard this song.  After "Lucky," I promptly changed it to "Good Morning Life" by Dean Martin to lighten up the mood and to distract my thoughts.

Needless to say, after an hour and a half of teaching (which is exhausting in itself), and with my subconscious still racing, I felt emotionally exhausted and distraught.  The bell rang, and all the students left my class except for one girl.  She's that one student in class that is always paying attention, always giving me little affirmative nods showing that she's following the lesson and listening, always smiling.  I thank God every day for this type of student.  Well, she came up to me in the front of the classroom and handed me a book.  She simply said, "This is for you, Ms. Kristen."  She then gave me the traditional Chilean kiss of the cheek, and skipped away.  I looked down at the book, and it was titled, "38 Values to Live By."  I thought it was so sweet that my little student gave me this book in English.  I opened it up to a random page, and read it.  The passage was titled, "Hold Steady" and it said, "If you're going through difficult times, hold steady.  It will change soon.  If you're experiencing smooth sailing and easy times now, brace yourself.  It will change soon.  The only thing you can be certain of is change."

That passage knocked me off my feet.  I read it, and just stood in the same spot for a few minutes.  I read it again and again...Hold steady...hold steady...

I stayed in my classroom a few minutes longer until the tears in my eyes dried, and then gathered my things and came to the teacher's office to write this blog.  I'm unsure of how I feel now...but what I do know is that God is watching out for me, and He may just have sent me a little angel this morning in the form of my student to show me that I'm not alone in this.

A much needed update

Emotionally unstable!  That's me!

I've been procrastinating writing in my blog because I knew that the moment I'd start to write, I'd launch myself into a roller coaster of emotions...Ups and downs, zig-zags and flips...unsure whether I should laugh or cry, scream or hold my breath...

A roller coaster is an overused analogy for crazy times in life, but it's oh-so appropriate for me right now.  Please pardon the predictability; it just fits.  

Before beginning my Chilean adventure, I was equally terrified and excited.  It was the same mix of emotions that we've all experienced while standing in a line for a roller coaster.  Even though questions like, "Why the heck am I doing this to myself?" or "What am I thinking?"race through your mind, you're still psyched and ready to take on the challenge.  There were many times before coming to South America where I almost cancelled all my plans and stayed home.  The idea of living in a foreign country, working as a high school English teacher, constantly speaking a language other than my own, and being away from the people I love the most was absolutely frightening.  Why would I even intentionally throw myself into a situation like that?  Why would I knowingly remove myself from the comfort and stability of home?  I constantly questioned my reasons for going abroad.  But at the same time, I also questioned why I questioned my desire to live abroad.  Why wouldn't I go abroad?  It's the perfect time in my life to do it, and I've always wanted to immerse myself another culture and speak Spanish 24/7.  

And so has commenced the roller coaster of emotions!

That's what the past month of Chile has been like for me.  A constant questioning of my reasons to be here.  Why am I here?  I started questioning my intentions for living here the moment I realized I had begun to count down my time until I returned home.  About a month ago, I started looking at my calender more...I started thinking thoughts like, "Okay, only two and a half more months until I can go home!"  But then I thought, why the heck am I here if I'm only thinking about leaving?  Why am I hoping for the future, and not content in the present?  The past few weeks, I've been re-evaluating my life in Chile.  I've realized many things.  

Month 1: Survival Mode

The first month of my life in Chile was spent in "survival mode."  All I did was survive.  Literally.  Emotionally and physically.  I lived day-to-day.  Some days, I lived hour-to-hour.  It was the only way to get through.  I didn't know the customs, I didn't understand the Spanish (despite my nine years of studying Spanish), I didn't know how to teach, and some days I didn't even know when I was going to eat my next meal.  I just survived. 

Month 2: Introduction to Chile (aka, Chile 101)

The second month in Chile, I moved from "survival mode" into a more stable routine.  I started to settle in.  And while I still often didn't understand the Spanish nor the culture, I at least established a routine.  My routine.  I started to make my life in Chile truly mine.  I also spent this second month bonding with the other six American volunteers.  I hung out with them more often, went out to some Chilean discos, got to know their Chilean families, and then went to Peru with everyone half way through September.  I went from understanding only about 20% of a normal Chilean conversation to about 40%.  And even though I still didn't have a full grasp on Chilean culture, at least I knew more about the world of completos, asados, carretes, pololeando, discos, pisco, cachai, Colo-Colo, flaite, "poh," and pan.

Month 3: ???

Now as I'm entering my third month in Chile (I still can't believe it's October), I've begun a period of deep reflection.  The initial shock of living here has worn off.  The disappointment, depression, and grief I felt in September after realizing that this experience (ex: my family here, the school, Chilean Spanish, my Spanish) is much different than I expected has finally ended.  I now know that I'm going to have to make the experience for myself...and this applies to many areas of my life here.  I'm going to have to actively seek out Chilean friendships...they're not going to just come find me like I hoped would happen when I first got here.  I'm going to have to actively and intentionally work on my Spanish...I'm not going to become fluent by just sitting at home or hanging out with Americans all the time.  And I'm going to have to seek out time to reflect on my experience...it's not going to just come to me.  I've realized that I need to put aside time every single day to reflect...organize everything that's going on inside of me.  I'm like a jumbled ball of yarn...

I feel the same way spiritually.  A jumbled ball of spiritual yarn.  It's been really hard not having Mass in English.  I mean, I totally understand the Mass in Spanish now after two months of Spanish Masses.  I know the prayers and responses.  But, I think I'm only understanding about 80% of the homilies.  I've felt disconnected.  But then I wonder, why am I feeling disconnected in Spanish?  I mean, I feel like my spirituality and my relationship with God transcend language...so why am I feeling disconnected?  What am I getting from a Mass in English that's not present in the Mass in Spanish?  Why can't I pray without words?  I've been praying about that a lot.  I've been praying for God to help me connect with Him without language.  I've been working on my spiritual language skills, I guess.  Wow.  This doesn't even make sense.  I guess what I'm trying to say is that I could use your prayers.  Please pray for me...for me to be able to understand why my relationship with God and my faith and prayer life are more difficult here...why is it inconsistent for me?  And is it really the English-Spanish language barrier that's making it difficult for me, or rather something much deeper than I never realized when I was living back at home?  

In other news...

Okay, that's enough self-reflection, emotional roller coaster stuff.  I could go on-and-on, but that's all I can take for now...

I'm running out of time to write between classes (I start another class in 15 minutes), so I'll just give some "headlines" of all the other fun current events of my life:

*After a month of intense preparation, the English debate team that I co-coach participated in the Regional Finals last Friday and WON!  This means that me, the other English teacher coach, and my little babies (students) get to go to the NATIONAL COMPETITION in SANTIAGO in NOVEMBER (I'm not excited about it at all, as you can tell)!!!  We'll be there from November 5-7!  WOO!!!

*I can actually understand this freaky Chilean Spanish now!  When two Chileans having a normal Chilean conversation at a normal Chilean speed (aka, wickedly fast), I can UNDERSTAND!  I've even been told that I'm starting to speak like a Chilean.  Yesterday, my friend Candela laughed at me because I was watching TV, and I asked the question, "Quien es?" (Who is that?) but I pronounced it, "Quien eh?" which is very Chilean.  Okay, I realize it doesn't sound like a big deal, but IT WAS!  The main point is that I'm finally able to communicate at a somewhat fluent level.  Hablar el espanol no me cuesta tanto ahora, gracias a Dios.  Cachai, poh?

*This past Saturday I got a haircut!  My first Chilean haircut!  I only trimmed the ends, but it feels WONDERFUL!  It was probably the best hair cut I've ever had in my life!  I've decided that it was so good probably because the hairstylist was used to my type of hair (thick, coarse, kind of curly, difficult to deal with).  She was amazing.  And, to make it even better, it was HALF the price as in the US.  

*My mom sent me a care package from the US a few weeks ago!  It was filled with gum, Starbucks coffee, a French press, chocolate, Cliff Bars, Luna Bars, People magazines, slippers, a sweatshirt, The Sound of Music DVD, a DVD about Obama, tennis balls (because they smell good), toothpaste (I started crying when I saw the toothpaste...there's no Crest in Chile), and much LOVE!  It was the BEST!

*Anita, mi mejor amiga, also sent me a care package of love that was equally AMAZING!!!

*I bought new running shoes last week (the man who worked at the department store said he recognized me from the news...), so I've started to run more.  Mackenzie, one of the other American volunteers here in Iquique (also from Colorado!), is my personal trainer (even though I'm pretty sure she's not aware of the agreement).  She's helping me learn how to run, and she and her cousin, Annie, have been working out with me three times a week.  Every Tuesday, Thursday, and one weekend day we've agreed to come over to my house after our individual runs to do my intense Jackie workout video that I brought from the US.  We want to balance all the bread we eat her with something healthy for our bodies.

*Speaking of being healthy, I've successfully made chocolate chip cookies here in Chile five times!  I absolutely love sharing my favorite thing about American culture (chocolate chip cookies) with South America.  The most recent cookie-making-fest was yesterday when I prepared cookies to take over to Bree's house to share with her family as we watched the Colo-Colo vs. Universidad de Chile soccer game.

Uh oh!  The bell just rang!  I have to go teach some little 7th grade angels now (yeah, right).  WISH ME LUCK!!!

Xau Xau!