A much needed update

Emotionally unstable!  That's me!

I've been procrastinating writing in my blog because I knew that the moment I'd start to write, I'd launch myself into a roller coaster of emotions...Ups and downs, zig-zags and flips...unsure whether I should laugh or cry, scream or hold my breath...

A roller coaster is an overused analogy for crazy times in life, but it's oh-so appropriate for me right now.  Please pardon the predictability; it just fits.  

Before beginning my Chilean adventure, I was equally terrified and excited.  It was the same mix of emotions that we've all experienced while standing in a line for a roller coaster.  Even though questions like, "Why the heck am I doing this to myself?" or "What am I thinking?"race through your mind, you're still psyched and ready to take on the challenge.  There were many times before coming to South America where I almost cancelled all my plans and stayed home.  The idea of living in a foreign country, working as a high school English teacher, constantly speaking a language other than my own, and being away from the people I love the most was absolutely frightening.  Why would I even intentionally throw myself into a situation like that?  Why would I knowingly remove myself from the comfort and stability of home?  I constantly questioned my reasons for going abroad.  But at the same time, I also questioned why I questioned my desire to live abroad.  Why wouldn't I go abroad?  It's the perfect time in my life to do it, and I've always wanted to immerse myself another culture and speak Spanish 24/7.  

And so has commenced the roller coaster of emotions!

That's what the past month of Chile has been like for me.  A constant questioning of my reasons to be here.  Why am I here?  I started questioning my intentions for living here the moment I realized I had begun to count down my time until I returned home.  About a month ago, I started looking at my calender more...I started thinking thoughts like, "Okay, only two and a half more months until I can go home!"  But then I thought, why the heck am I here if I'm only thinking about leaving?  Why am I hoping for the future, and not content in the present?  The past few weeks, I've been re-evaluating my life in Chile.  I've realized many things.  

Month 1: Survival Mode

The first month of my life in Chile was spent in "survival mode."  All I did was survive.  Literally.  Emotionally and physically.  I lived day-to-day.  Some days, I lived hour-to-hour.  It was the only way to get through.  I didn't know the customs, I didn't understand the Spanish (despite my nine years of studying Spanish), I didn't know how to teach, and some days I didn't even know when I was going to eat my next meal.  I just survived. 

Month 2: Introduction to Chile (aka, Chile 101)

The second month in Chile, I moved from "survival mode" into a more stable routine.  I started to settle in.  And while I still often didn't understand the Spanish nor the culture, I at least established a routine.  My routine.  I started to make my life in Chile truly mine.  I also spent this second month bonding with the other six American volunteers.  I hung out with them more often, went out to some Chilean discos, got to know their Chilean families, and then went to Peru with everyone half way through September.  I went from understanding only about 20% of a normal Chilean conversation to about 40%.  And even though I still didn't have a full grasp on Chilean culture, at least I knew more about the world of completos, asados, carretes, pololeando, discos, pisco, cachai, Colo-Colo, flaite, "poh," and pan.

Month 3: ???

Now as I'm entering my third month in Chile (I still can't believe it's October), I've begun a period of deep reflection.  The initial shock of living here has worn off.  The disappointment, depression, and grief I felt in September after realizing that this experience (ex: my family here, the school, Chilean Spanish, my Spanish) is much different than I expected has finally ended.  I now know that I'm going to have to make the experience for myself...and this applies to many areas of my life here.  I'm going to have to actively seek out Chilean friendships...they're not going to just come find me like I hoped would happen when I first got here.  I'm going to have to actively and intentionally work on my Spanish...I'm not going to become fluent by just sitting at home or hanging out with Americans all the time.  And I'm going to have to seek out time to reflect on my experience...it's not going to just come to me.  I've realized that I need to put aside time every single day to reflect...organize everything that's going on inside of me.  I'm like a jumbled ball of yarn...

I feel the same way spiritually.  A jumbled ball of spiritual yarn.  It's been really hard not having Mass in English.  I mean, I totally understand the Mass in Spanish now after two months of Spanish Masses.  I know the prayers and responses.  But, I think I'm only understanding about 80% of the homilies.  I've felt disconnected.  But then I wonder, why am I feeling disconnected in Spanish?  I mean, I feel like my spirituality and my relationship with God transcend language...so why am I feeling disconnected?  What am I getting from a Mass in English that's not present in the Mass in Spanish?  Why can't I pray without words?  I've been praying about that a lot.  I've been praying for God to help me connect with Him without language.  I've been working on my spiritual language skills, I guess.  Wow.  This doesn't even make sense.  I guess what I'm trying to say is that I could use your prayers.  Please pray for me...for me to be able to understand why my relationship with God and my faith and prayer life are more difficult here...why is it inconsistent for me?  And is it really the English-Spanish language barrier that's making it difficult for me, or rather something much deeper than I never realized when I was living back at home?  

In other news...

Okay, that's enough self-reflection, emotional roller coaster stuff.  I could go on-and-on, but that's all I can take for now...

I'm running out of time to write between classes (I start another class in 15 minutes), so I'll just give some "headlines" of all the other fun current events of my life:

*After a month of intense preparation, the English debate team that I co-coach participated in the Regional Finals last Friday and WON!  This means that me, the other English teacher coach, and my little babies (students) get to go to the NATIONAL COMPETITION in SANTIAGO in NOVEMBER (I'm not excited about it at all, as you can tell)!!!  We'll be there from November 5-7!  WOO!!!

*I can actually understand this freaky Chilean Spanish now!  When two Chileans having a normal Chilean conversation at a normal Chilean speed (aka, wickedly fast), I can UNDERSTAND!  I've even been told that I'm starting to speak like a Chilean.  Yesterday, my friend Candela laughed at me because I was watching TV, and I asked the question, "Quien es?" (Who is that?) but I pronounced it, "Quien eh?" which is very Chilean.  Okay, I realize it doesn't sound like a big deal, but IT WAS!  The main point is that I'm finally able to communicate at a somewhat fluent level.  Hablar el espanol no me cuesta tanto ahora, gracias a Dios.  Cachai, poh?

*This past Saturday I got a haircut!  My first Chilean haircut!  I only trimmed the ends, but it feels WONDERFUL!  It was probably the best hair cut I've ever had in my life!  I've decided that it was so good probably because the hairstylist was used to my type of hair (thick, coarse, kind of curly, difficult to deal with).  She was amazing.  And, to make it even better, it was HALF the price as in the US.  

*My mom sent me a care package from the US a few weeks ago!  It was filled with gum, Starbucks coffee, a French press, chocolate, Cliff Bars, Luna Bars, People magazines, slippers, a sweatshirt, The Sound of Music DVD, a DVD about Obama, tennis balls (because they smell good), toothpaste (I started crying when I saw the toothpaste...there's no Crest in Chile), and much LOVE!  It was the BEST!

*Anita, mi mejor amiga, also sent me a care package of love that was equally AMAZING!!!

*I bought new running shoes last week (the man who worked at the department store said he recognized me from the news...), so I've started to run more.  Mackenzie, one of the other American volunteers here in Iquique (also from Colorado!), is my personal trainer (even though I'm pretty sure she's not aware of the agreement).  She's helping me learn how to run, and she and her cousin, Annie, have been working out with me three times a week.  Every Tuesday, Thursday, and one weekend day we've agreed to come over to my house after our individual runs to do my intense Jackie workout video that I brought from the US.  We want to balance all the bread we eat her with something healthy for our bodies.

*Speaking of being healthy, I've successfully made chocolate chip cookies here in Chile five times!  I absolutely love sharing my favorite thing about American culture (chocolate chip cookies) with South America.  The most recent cookie-making-fest was yesterday when I prepared cookies to take over to Bree's house to share with her family as we watched the Colo-Colo vs. Universidad de Chile soccer game.

Uh oh!  The bell just rang!  I have to go teach some little 7th grade angels now (yeah, right).  WISH ME LUCK!!!

Xau Xau!