Hold Steady

I had one of the most difficult weeks of my life.  I had an explosive Chilean showdown with my family on Monday afternoon, followed by an evening of tears and a pounding headache.  I then spent the next two days trying to figure out whether or not I should switch host families or just come home early.  I had never been so emotionally disturbed.  I was gloomy, disappointed, fuming, miserable, frustrated, and all other similar adjectives.

I want to describe what happened in my blog, but I'm afraid that it might be ready by certain people in Chile, and that it would exacerbate the already uncomfortable and awkward situation.  I'll just have to revert back to the traditional pen and paper to journal about this.  If you're interested in the details...skype me...or email me, and I'll fill you in...

What I can do in my blog is talk about my decision.  After everything that's happened, I've decided to stay in Chile and stay with this family.  Although everything isn't peachy-keen now, I'm not coming home.  I do fill, though, that there's still a gaping wound, and that we've just covered it up with a band-aid that will soon fall off.  Or, as popularly said, we've merely swept it all under the rug.  The real source of my problems with my host family hasn't been resolved...but things are okay for now.

But I still doubt my decision.  I'm like a pendulum...swaying...indecisive...

Today before my freshman girls' class, I sat down at my computer, opened up a blank Word document, and wrote: "Pros and Cons of Staying in Chile" and "Pros and Cons of Going Home."  Since I am a list-making, Rory Gilmore-like freak, I started to write the classic Kristen Pros and Cons lis.  But, before I could get too far, the bell rang signaling the start of my day.  I simply closed the document, pushed aside my emotional turmoil, put a smile on my face, and started teaching my lesson.

My lesson this morning was about music, and I started the class by sharing some of my favorite English music.  The first son I put on for the girls was called "Lucky" by Jason Mraz and Colby Caillat.  This was not the best song for me to listen to this morning.  The chorus says, "Lucky I'm in love with my best friend, Lucky to have been where I have been, Lucky to be coming home again."  And then earlier in the song it says, "Boy I hear you in my dreams, I feel you whisper across the sea, Keep you with me in my heart, you make it easier when life gets hard."  It was very difficult to not be affected by the lyrics when I heard this song.  After "Lucky," I promptly changed it to "Good Morning Life" by Dean Martin to lighten up the mood and to distract my thoughts.

Needless to say, after an hour and a half of teaching (which is exhausting in itself), and with my subconscious still racing, I felt emotionally exhausted and distraught.  The bell rang, and all the students left my class except for one girl.  She's that one student in class that is always paying attention, always giving me little affirmative nods showing that she's following the lesson and listening, always smiling.  I thank God every day for this type of student.  Well, she came up to me in the front of the classroom and handed me a book.  She simply said, "This is for you, Ms. Kristen."  She then gave me the traditional Chilean kiss of the cheek, and skipped away.  I looked down at the book, and it was titled, "38 Values to Live By."  I thought it was so sweet that my little student gave me this book in English.  I opened it up to a random page, and read it.  The passage was titled, "Hold Steady" and it said, "If you're going through difficult times, hold steady.  It will change soon.  If you're experiencing smooth sailing and easy times now, brace yourself.  It will change soon.  The only thing you can be certain of is change."

That passage knocked me off my feet.  I read it, and just stood in the same spot for a few minutes.  I read it again and again...Hold steady...hold steady...

I stayed in my classroom a few minutes longer until the tears in my eyes dried, and then gathered my things and came to the teacher's office to write this blog.  I'm unsure of how I feel now...but what I do know is that God is watching out for me, and He may just have sent me a little angel this morning in the form of my student to show me that I'm not alone in this.